THE CRAZY SQUAD 

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode Three


2065. sounds like sometime in the future. I can imagine a science fiction writer bleeding mind-raping stories and obscenities on a blanc sheet centering on the figure. 2065 could mean a lot of different things to many people – say an accountant, a painter or even a preacher. But to us, 2065 meant something different altogether. 

The number served as an intersection point in the lives of four strangers who quickly became friends. Somewhere late 2012, four strangers from different parts of the country gained admission into the University of Ghana. As fate would have it, these four strangers were assigned to one room in Hilla Limann Hall. This room was d2065. And this is where a lot of history was made. Not before long, 2065 birthed a budding musician, a journalist, a man with a love for numbers and a lover of Creative arts. The diversity and closeness between the roommates of 2065 created a welcoming avenue for a lot of meetings to take place. Several group meetings were held in 2065. And this birthed the CRAZY SQUAD. 

The Crazy Squad was a study group initially made up of four ladies – Ophelia, Nirva, Robin, Freda – and the five Bouncing Baby Boys – Felix, Brian, Kobla, Erik and Roland (I hope you still remember them). Let me quickly add that the Crazy Squad is solely responsible for setting the five male friends in a journey that will see them being bounced over and over and over again. 

Ophelia was a classic beauty.an adorable goddess that we all took a liking to in just some few meetings.  But she was out of bounds to us all. She was married to God. (How can you compete with that?) Robin – another beauty of course – had a solid crush on Kobla who was playing hard to get and overdid it. Robin soon got over his dumb ass and by extension all the rest of us. Shame on you Kobla.

The cute and sexy Freda announced majestically on our first day of meeting that she was seriously engaged. She warned all of us horny toads to back off. And then there was Nirva. Among all the handsome guys in the University of Ghana, she decided to give her heart out to some dude outside the university community. Roland and Erik, as usual, tried several times to woo her but they were bounced like basket balls. We could leave 2065 in Hilla Limann Hall all walk all the way to the Red Sea of the university and back just to escort Freda and Ophelia to their residence in Volta Hall. We were all a crazy bunch of idiots. It’s no wonder our group was called the Crazy Squad.

After a semester, our messed up love lives brought too much tension in the group and the group fell apart. The Crazy Squad was no more. Kobla later dropped English to pursue Political science and Accounting. Freda and Ophelia were never close to us again. We barely saw one another after that throughout our years in the university. Brian and Roland took solace in the bottle. Erik pursued his political ambitions and I focused more on creative arts.

Two years later, there was the need to create another study group. The pressure from our final years in the university was beginning to get to us. Learning was becoming difficult and the courses were becoming meaner by the semester. So the Crazy Squad was resurrected, but not with most of the previous members. Only I – Felix – and Erik were old members of this new squad. We were however joined by two ladies who had just returned from a year in the City of Art. Margaret and Akyere would open our eyes to a new form of reality we didn’t know existed. We were also joined by the astonishing Paula and the god of English – Franklyn. Final members were Asabea and Ivana. Unlike the previous squad, this group complemented each other; perfecting every member in areas where they were deficient. 

The ladies of this group not only mesmerized us with their beauty, like the previous group, they also pushed us to learn more. And this had a positive outcome on our GPA’s. their beauty had direction in our lives. Franklyn – the English god – was our muse. He doesn’t know this but I envied him a little. I mean how could a person be so good in a language that gave most of us sleepless nights and haunted our dreams if we did get the chance to sleep. He had a way of sweet talking you into understanding the language. I don’t know about the rest of the group, but Franklyn would forever have my gratitude for always responding to our calls for help even when it does not favor him. Remember him. You will meet him again before this series is over. 

I believe myself to be very perceptive. And my impression of people is usually right. But I could be more wrong about Paula. Before I really got to know Paula, I believed she was one of the ‘boss chicks’ on campus who were snobbish and disrespectful and had many lovers and were lazy and were full with so much pride and arrogance. She appeared to be the kind that would toy with the hearts of boys and spend all their money and later dump them for another guy. In my mind she was one of those girls. But I couldn’t be more wrong. When she joined the Crazy Squad, I got to know that I wasn’t only wrong about her, I was also wrong for trusting my perception so much. Paula was humble and kind and honest and every good quality an average young lady could possess…..
Education brought us in close proximity

But my personality drew us apart

I thought the worse of you; and ignored you like a plague

‘Judge not a book by its cover,’ was what Uncle said to me

But my eyes saw something and my mind recorded it as negative

And that drew us further apart
Education brought us together a second time 

and you melted away some of my beliefs

That wax of impressions had no chance against you

Again, my stubbornness held on tight to schemas of old and refused to let go
As fate will have it, education brought us together one last time

And then you opened my eyes and made me see the light
Today, I stand guilty by the very thing my eyes saw

Ashamed of the negativity within my core

I am glad I was wrong

For what I believed was fact was so far from truth
You have served me a calabash of positivity

Now I can rid myself of all negativity
You said it Uncle

I need not judge a book by the impression I get from its cover

Thank you

Friend. Ally. Mate.

Ivana was humble and a little shy. She and Asabea were very private people and my own awkward personality didn’t allow me to get to know them better. This, I am highly ashamed of. But they however were close to the rest of the members of the Crazy Squad. Their tales are mingled with that of the other members. You will see them several times as the series progresses. 

As for Margaret and Akyere, you will see them in subsequent episodes. Do not forget these names; for they are major characters in the experiences of this introvert who poses as an extrovert in a community of diverse personalities.

Picture source: http://www.google.com/m?q=crazy+squad&client=ms-opera-mobile&channel=new&espv=1#imgrc=bdYrKYr_SZiEmM:

DZIDZOR

 

I have a story to tell. I must tell my story. My tale is a sad one embellished in the juicy stupidity and ignorance of a young me. It is said that he who laughs last, laughs the best and good things come to those that wait; but it is not always so. I am living proof of that assessment. I am an epitome of a soulless man wandering this earth for the next available force to snatch up and destroy.

There was this girl I admired so much. So much that I would readily make the ultimate sacrifice for her any day and anytime of my sorry existence. From far away, I could tell she admired me too and would readily accept my proposal. But fear and cowardice stood guard over me every second of everyday. They stretched their poisoned swords towards me and cautioned me not to take a step farther. And being an ignorant fool, I thought I had time and that love would surely take me one day into the compounds of Dzidzor, my love.

One might be tempted to be content with the proceedings of my story. Do not be! As this tale is not that of a happy ending. For he who drinks a calabash full of the locally distilled akpeteshie; with a smile on his face is a hypocrite and a liar. A fool like I was, I believed I had time to make myself a befitting gentleman, worthy of asking my Dzidzor’s hand in marriage.

For this, I embarked on a journey to my mother’s village, to find myself a good job so I can make enough money to offer my love the happy life she deserves; one befitting a princess. After six months of hard work, I had made enough to return home to fulfill my ambitions. My mother had died three months after I got to her hometown. I was grieving, but I had the memory of my Dzidzor to give me comfort.

I began my two-week journey back to my father’s village. Fourteen days until I saw Dzidzor again. Fourteen days until I could call her mine. A week into my journey, I saw Dzidzor on a dusty footpath leading to my village. She had a few of her clothes tied up in her favorite wrapper. She told me she was fed up with waiting for me and so she set out on this journey to ask me to come back home, and that she wanted nothing from me; nothing, except my love and devotion. You should have seen my excitement when this news came to me. I was surprised she knew the reason why I had left the village, since I told no one the reason for my journey. But why tempt fate and ruin such a good fortune? We celebrated our love on our way home. We made love. We were happy. We were in love.

When we got to the outskirts of our village, we were greeted by a mighty stench. A smell that was foul enough to drive flies away. But Dzidzor asked me to go pluck a mango fruit she had seen about five hundred meters back. She said she had a sudden craving for one. I happily set out to pluck this fruit for my love. When I returned, Dzidzor was nowhere to be found. I searched for hours and decided to go into the village to look for her. Perhaps I spent too much time plucking the mango. Perhaps she waited for me at home.

The village was empty, buildings were destroyed, the palace was torched, bodies lay everywhere. Apparently, there had been a war shortly after my departure to my mother’s village; and all the townspeople were killed. Women and children were not spared. The head of the chief of our village was on a spike in front of the torched palace.

I quickly ran to Dzidzor’s hut, and there she was, as beautiful as ever. Even in death, her smile consoled me in many ways.

No! She can’t be dead. No! I had been with a ghost this past seven days. No! Death has stolen from me the essence of my very existence. ‘Blewu lorlornye. Baba!’ This is my story; and it’s a sad one indeed.

Kofi Dzogbewu

BOUNCING BABY BOYS

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode Two (Part 2)

A series of stories about the experience of a young boy in the University of Ghana. The stories are mostly true with some fictionalized parts for the benefit of the story.

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode Two (Part 2)

The next bouncing baby boy is Brian. Brian is a little shy with the ladies and always needs a massive push in order to make a move (if what he does can be called a move). There is much to say about Brian because he was always too afraid to make a move. Roland and Erik’s experiences have frightened him so much that he has refused to readily put himself out there for disappointment. That is not to say that he hasn’t been bounced. He has. Brian after several attempts by his closest friends to get him in a relationship, finally got very close to a beautiful maiden. The rest of the group praised him so much for overcoming the tempest of loneliness. I remember going to church that Sunday to thank God for blessing my friend with such a beautiful companion. Even Roland was threatening to steal her from Brian if he delayed in concluding the deal (the greedy idiot). 

Brian was bounced by this lady whose name is synonymous with victory. I guess the victory was over Brian. This nearly destroyed Brian. He later told us some BS about how his church would not allow a union like theirs. I mean, like really? Brian later found favor in the eyes of a beautiful lady with a perfect attitude. This was after the group had vigorously presented Brian in the best light possible to this lady. Her name was Nella. Mind you, this is the same Nella that bounced Roland in the past. Brian was too scared to make any move whatever. One bitten, twice shy right? A month or so passed and just when Brian had finally gathered all the courage to do anything, Nella became fed up and bounced him off. Welcome to the family bro.

Brian and Roland got tired of their inability to win the hearts of any lady on campus (which they called their ISSUES) so much that, they found love in the bottle. They had a saying: s3 ab3 baako b3 sei de3, anka kookoofuo enshie (for one palm tree to get spoilt, then the cocoa farm should rather burn). This is because the palm tree would be used for brewing palm wine. 

Master Kobla was the star of the bouncing baby boys. Every one of us looked up to him; because as much as he was bounced, he also won. Kobla was bounced by Lucy – a political science mate of his. She bounced him for a Deeper-Life dude with no game whatsoever. He also came up with the same BS excuse Brian gave. He was also bounced by another mate – Phoebe – who is now a talented make-up artist. And there was Beatrice too. She bounced him bad.

But Kobla was the boss. He had succeeded in in his bid to be a relationship with two ladies while we were on campus – Geneva and Deborah. He even turned down the affections of a beautiful lady, Robin. This is the same Robin that bounced Erik some time back. Kobla is the hero among us bouncing baby boys. Remember these names, you will surely meet them again.

Finally, there is me. The last bouncing baby boy. I have only been bounced once. Okay twice. Alright there is a third time but that one doesn’t count. That’s all. I was bounced by one annoying little princess who thinks she is all that. (rolls eyes repeatedly in their socket). Fuhmida bounced me so subtly it didn’t feel like a bounce at all. I was also bounced by a relative of a well-known writer who I think wasn’t ready for some ‘sugar’ at the time. “Felix, I have suffered!” 

Not to brag, but some of Kobla’s charms must have robbed off on me. I had succeeded in dating a beautiful lady while on campus. I had a girlfriend; and she wasn’t imaginary like the one Brian claimed to have had. And oh, I also turned down the affections of one Cecilia. I am more like Kobla than I thought. 

Despite our shortcomings and failures in getting accepted into a relationship, we hold our heads high and keep fighting till the right women welcomes us into their hearts. We will always be friends and be there to support each other. We are the BOUNCING BABY BOYS.

BOUNCING BABY BOYS 

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode Two (Part 1)

A series of stories about the experience of a young boy in the University of Ghana. The stories are mostly true with some fictionalized parts for the benefit of the story.

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode Two (Part One)

It is a mystery why babies love bouncing so much. When a child begins to really move on his own, though it is crawling or walking yet, they still want to be on the move. They love to jump and bounce no matter where they are. I do not know why babies are referred to as “bouncing”, but from the way they love to bounce always, it must be the reason they call them “bouncing babies”. Amazingly, when baby boys grow up, they tend to hate it very much when they are bounced (especially boys in the University of Ghana).

“To Bounce” – according to the Ghanaian Urban Street Dictionary, is the act of rejecting the proposal or request to be dated or be in a relationship (love) with somebody. 

Being in the university, my closest friends – Roland, Brian, Erik, and Kobla – are some of the boys that have been bounced on several occasions by their female counterparts. 

Let’s begin with the annoying and most unapologetic bouncing baby boy of them all. Roland, the lover boy of the group is like a pest to the ladies. They avoid him when it comes down to being in a relationship with him; but buzz around him like flies always to spend his money. This left my dearest friend always broke and looking for the next way to deceive his relatives to score more cash. Roland’s favorite quote is the Accra Hearts of Oak’s slogan, “Never say die until the bones are rotten”. Roland is the most unrepentant, serially bounced human being I have ever met. This young fella has been bounced by course mates, hall mates, friends of friends, strangers and food vendors on campus. It is as if his superpower is the ability to be bounced by every woman he is attracted to. 

He was bounced by course mates like Nora, Rica and Nella among others. He’s been bounced by hall mates like Dorcas, Ofie, Mimi to name a few. And he was also bounced by friends of friends – Rhoda and Ohemaa. I’m running out of breath mentioning their names. He would have broken down, I’m sure, if not for the welcoming bosom and attention he gets from one lady who I have totally forgotten her name. I however remember the lady’s name is the name of a color. Had it not been for the occasional fix she gives Roland, he would have totally given up on women totally. Roland is a true bouncing baby boy and we accept and love him for who he is. Lest I forget, I heard he has been bounced four times already by his female National Service colleagues. Just so you know. 

The next on the list is Erik – the proud bouncing baby boy. Erik was very matured in thought and deed. He was the most courageous among us. When we spotted a lady we thought was attractive and begin doubting our chances with the lady, Erik would make a move and everything would go perfectly for them until he declares his intensions and then, he would be bounced. Erik has been bounced in by course mates, Robin, Princess and the course mate with the local name (I can’t really remember) and the other course mate with the local name that bounced him in public (in a lecture room, for all to witness0. Erik has also been bounced by the daughter of a well-known Ghanaian boxer. He was just lucky to have escaped with all his teeth intact. 

And the funniest bounce of it all, he made a move on and was bounced by our gorgeous, slender-looking T.A. “Hahaha. Dude, we came to school to learn and not to get married. Chill!” it would interest you to know that Roland and Erik were engaged in a fight for months over a girl they both liked. The sad thing is that, Charlotte – the girl they were fighting over – bounced the two of them. God have mercy ………… 

to be continued

Photo source: Getty images.

EASY VIRTUES 

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode One

A series of stories about the experiences of a young boy in the University of Ghana. The stories are mostly true with some fictionalized parts for the benefit of the story. Enjoy.

TALES FROM 2065 – Episode One

Africa, for a long time has limited the actions of Africans; especially women. She labels some actions as immoral and some just ‘unworldly’. Sexual liberation in Africa is an unforgivable offense; punishable by vivid obloquy. But in recent times, the hold Africa has on her subjects is weakening drastically and a new breed of Africans are emerging. Ones that believe in liberalism and the choice to do whatever they want to do with their bodies and who they wish to do it with. “customs and traditions be damned; the age of the new Africans is here”. 

It all started some few years back in the university when my friends and I were back to our dormitories after a lecture. The conversation on the way back was centered around the lecturer – Miss Root – and the way she was such a conservative and how were it up to her, Africa would remain in the past whiles the rest of the world leaves us behind. All of a sudden the conversation turned into how these Africans (Miss Root’s kind) have made sex and having sex something only a ‘god’ could do and talk about. One of my friends who claimed she was one of the modern-day feminists (rolls eyeballs repeatedly in their sockets) claimed she didn’t see sex to be anything extraordinary. She made it clear she would have sex or been having sex anytime she wanted. You should have seen the excitement on my face for finding a kindred spirit. 

Sometime, the next day, I was fast asleep in a friend’s room. We were all supposed to go out for a program, but I was too tired to go and just slept. I was alone in the room but left the door unlocked. In the course of my sleeping, I began to hear an annoying sound. Creak-creak-creak. I pushed out he sound and continued sleeping. But the sound was relentless and was bent on making me angry. Creak-creak-creak. 

That was it. I was going to find the source of that sound and give it/him/ her – whoever it was a piece of my mind. I opened my eyes only to see something I never thought I would see. I have never claimed to be innocent or pure. Far from it; because I’m not. I have done things people cannot begin to imagine – bad things, immoral stuff, etc. – but what I saw when I opened my eyes shocked me to the core. A little. I saw a naked lady (naked from head to toe) bouncing up and down an equally naked roommate of my friend who was sitting in a chair. For Christ’s sake, there was a person sleeping in the room. Of all the things I allow my imagination to explore, I never imagined being an audience to people having sex. (Not without a screen separating us; if you know what I mean). It is no wonder why some Christians believe imagining (making your mind explore) is a sin. I had to feign sleep until they were done and out of the room before I could get out of bed and walk solemnly into my room. The next Sunday, I rededicated my life to Christ. God have mercy. 

Another day not too long after my encounter with the sex maniacs, I walked in on another couple doing the ‘dirty’ in bed. It was like the discussion I had with Benedicta on our way to the hall after the lecture had made me available to all sorts of sexual encounters in the university. Like I was saying, i went to visit a friend in her room. I knocked on her door several times but there was no response. I turned the knob on the door and it opened freely. When I entered the room, this lady friend I had gone to visit, was seriously being pounded into by a thick-waisted-rigid-assed-guy I know very well. Both of them were stark naked and so much into what they were doing. My surprise on seeing them kept me glued to where I was standing for several moments. When I finally got a hold on myself, I gently walked out and closed the door. The two ‘sexers’ did not even know anyone had walked in on them. It seems some deeds are too pleasurable it takes everything else around you out of focus. 

I could continue to talk about the couple who did the deed in a room full of sleeping boys, and played Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire’ afterwards but I’ll leave that for another day. I don’t want to corrupt the innocent ones among you all in one day. 

My brother once asked me, “Felix, do you have any great memories from University?” My answer was “No”. that was definitely a lie; and now you know why.

Dreaming My Life Away

Salifou professed his love on a Tuesday morning. By Tuesday afternoon, Lisa had told him she was going to think about it. By next month Friday, Salifou had decided to forget about Lisa and focus on his books. Tomorrow is Saturday. Salifou has an Interim Assessment (IA) at 7:30am tomorrow and he was very determined to make at least a ‘B’ in the paper.
When it was 10am, he picked some books and made his way to the reading room. University life had proven to be more complex and difficult than Salifou had imagined. His elder brother and sister had told him about how the university was full of fun and how you didn’t need too much hard work to be successful in your academics. This was not the case when Salifou got to the University of Ghana.  The Grade Point Average (GPA) among other things had been raised, making life in the university close to impossible.
For the next fifteen minutes, Salifou was studying his notes, bent on passing his exams the next day. Suddenly his phone made a beeping sound. Lisa had posted a message on their group page on WhatsApp; wishing everybody the very best in the exams the next day. All of a sudden, thoughts about her flooded Salifou’s mind; making it impossible for him to learn.
“What do you want as birthday present?” Salifou asked excited. “All I want this year is your company throughout the day,” Lisa replied. Good! Salifou knew then that he had made a good choice for a girlfriend. That day, they went to the mall and got some ice cream. Then they watched a movie in the cinema. The happy couple walked hand-in-hand to ‘Shoprite’ and bought some cake.
Lisa nearly run out of her room when a group of her friends hiding in the shadows jumped towards her and shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Salifou had put together a surprise birthday party for her. Lisa run into her boyfriend’s arms and kissed him. Salifou couldn’t be any happier than he was then.
Abruptly, it seemed like a dark shadow had been cast on Salifou. His vision became dark and people started grunting and directing insults at the government. The blackout had shaken him from fantasy land. The reading room was very dark and people were moving out…

*****
…and then she walked away, leaving me to my fantasies. But unknown to her, all I have to do is close my eyes and dream; then we are the happiest couple in the world. The only problem is that I am dreaming my life away.
So you are in love with this girl who is very indifferent towards you. You try as much as possible to get over her and find out too late that she is going to be the cause of you failing your exams. Even though they say love is blind, you can see your failure very clearly and there is nothing you can do about it. Maybe yours isn’t love. Maybe it is a phenomenon yet to be named. You are in love with somebody that you are not so sure will return your love and you are already failing examinations for her.

photo source: aliceofwinterland.tumblr.com